I look back at my life pre-ADHD diagnosis and see a piece of my puzzle that was missing. I remember feeling like I wasn’t meeting expectations or that I was doing badly academically. I was messy, forgetful and wasn’t always responsible, but my grades were relatively good and I got what I needed to go to university.
Throughout my degree I lived with both anxiety and depression and, as the COVID-19 pandemic swept across the world, what I now know to be signs of ADHD were getting more prominent.
I knew there was something else going on aside from the depression and anxiety and I wanted to get help, so I went to my GP and they referred me to Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT) services. While waiting for a CBT appointment it was social media that prompted me to look into ADHD. Over a few weeks, I saw a collection of tweets, and the scenarios people were talking about were just too specific. The more I read, the more I realised the tweets weren’t coincidental; I could’ve written them about my own life. While I wasn’t totally sure I had ADHD, I decided to do some research.
I procrastinated and didn’t go in search of help straight away, but eventually went through the “Right To Choose Scheme* and after six months of waiting, I secured an appointment in autumn 2021. I was very nervous before my appointment because I wouldn’t know what to do next if I wasn’t given the diagnosis, because I was so sure I had it! The psychiatrist asked me to look back at my life – I had to rely on my family and friends’ reflections to complete the puzzle. As we reflected with the psychiatrist, I saw the signs that had been staring me in the face. I would zone out during lectures or long conversations but was able to hide it and work out what someone was saying, even if I wasn’t listening. Another sign was the detailed lists I made every day to make sense of the day, otherwise it would feel like I was living in a maze; I would write down when I needed to wake up, get ready and carry out various tasks throughout the day. If I didn’t do this, I would be completely lost. Looking back, these were coping mechanisms I used to deal with undiagnosed ADHD.
I was diagnosed with ADHD in November 2021 at 23 years old. One of the first things I felt was validation because before this point I had no choice but to blame myself.
The diagnosis was a real full circle moment – until this point I was always scared of the future but now the world is my oyster!
I have learnt a lot throughout my ADHD diagnosis. I didn’t even know adults could have ADHD or that labelling it as a learning disability was a gross oversimplification. Post-diagnosis hasn’t been easy; while I had a lightbulb moment, everyone around me was still the same. I advocate for myself every day and remind those close to me about my ADHD. I have landed in a place where I accept that I can’t make someone understand me that is committed to misunderstanding. I choose to make my environment as kind to myself as possible, surrounding myself with those who support and love me for who I am, even when inconvenienced.
I’ve had to work on my self-awareness and now realise that I can’t rely on others supporting me in the way I think they should. I think as a woman I have to advocate for my health, for the allowances I need in life and to be unapologetic. I will not let a neurotypical world shape me into what it wants me to be. I am not a burden because of who I am. I want to mould the world around me and my ADHD!
London
Research Analyst
23
Key symptoms Depression, anxiety and low self-esteem
